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Celebrants in
Australia have to make a big deal about
something called
Real Consent. What
this means is that we not only have to be on
the lookout for any indication that you might
not be freely and willingly agreeing to marry,
and if we are at all concerned, to pull the
plug on the wedding, we are required to meet
with each of you separately to make sure that
you are marrying of your own free will. Real
consent means that you are not being
physically forced, emotionally or
psychologically coerced, which could be
threats or just family or community pressure,
or tricked into the marriage by being told it
wasn't a legal ceremony, for example. So
here's what you need to know about consent,
getting married, and your wedding ceremony.
Your Notice of
Intended Marriage doesn't commit you to
marry
When you lodge your
Notice
of Intended Marriage with your
celebrant you are formally declaring, on an
official government form, that you intend to
get married. This has to be done a minimum of
one clear calendar month before the big day.
On the form you provide information to
identifies who you are, your full name, your
date of birth, where you were born, details of
your parents, and some other information. It's
an official form. There are penalties for
giving false information, but it is not a
contract. So it doesn't actually obligate you
to go through with the wedding.
No surprises
allowed!
Both of you must be fully aware of when you're
going to get married. You can surprise your
guests.You can even surprise your witnesses.
Practicality demands that you don't surprise
your celebrant (or your photographer).
It is illegal to
surprise either or both of the
marrying couple. So one of you can't organise
the wedding without the other's knowledge and
agreement. And no-one can spring the wedding
on both of you.
The Declarations
don't commit you to go through with the
wedding
Before you can marry, each of you has to make
and sign your Declaration of No Legal
Impediment to Marriage in front of your
celebrant. While you can't be married without
making this declaration, all it does is
confirm that you are legally free to marry.
The fact that you have made this Declaration
is not binding consent to marry.
Turning up doesn't
commit you to go through with the marriage
Getting dressed up, walking down the aisle, or
even saying "I Do" when asked does not commit
you to go through with the marriage. In
Australia, the "I Do" or "I Will" questions
are not legal. They are traditional. Guests
expect to hear them. But they are not legally
binding. Of course, if at that point one of
you was to answer "No", then your celebrant
would stop the wedding. And not just for a few
moments to check with you, because the
circumstance of having everyone there,
expecting to see you marry, could be deemed to
be pressure.
Your celebrant must
stop the ceremony if they are unsure that
your consent to the marriage is real
Obviously, if you answer
No to
the "I Do" question your celebrant is going to
stop the ceremony. They are required to stop
the ceremony if anything raises their
suspicions that your consent isn't real. This
might be something you say or do that suggests
you are unwilling. Or it might be something
someone else says or does.
Your Legal Vows
create your marriage
out]
Basically you can pull out of the marriage any
time until you have said your legal vows.
I
ask everyone here to witness that I [Full
Name], take you, [Full Name] to be my lawful
wedded ....." Once you have both
said those words you are legally married, are
already married, when you, your witnesses, and
your celebrant sign the Register and
Certificates. It is too late to pull out, so
you can't ask your celebrant to destroy the
certificates or not register your marriage.
Once you have said your vows the only action
you can take is to get a divorce
unless it
was a forced marriage or there was some
other reason why the marriage was unlawful.
In which case you should see a lawyer as
quickly as possible.
You can't be forced
to kiss
Personally, I hate it when I hear a celebrant
say to a groom "
You may kiss your bride",
for the simple reason that it denies the bride
any right to consent, or not to consent. While
that was the legal position in past times when
a husband gained what was called
conjugal
rights on marriage (which basically
meant he owned his wife's body and could do
with it what he wished)
, that is now
not the case. I always ask my couples if they
want to be
invited to kiss and, if
they say yes, do invite them to seal their
vows with a kiss. One of my grooms asked me
not to say anything, and he asked his bride if
he could kiss her. That was lovely!
Consummation of your
marriage is not legally required
out]
In most countries, if your marriage isn't
consummated (that is, you don't have sex after
your marriage), that's grounds for annulment.
Not in Australia. Our lawmakers decided that,
as there was no way to make sure that the sex
was consensual, they wouldn't make that a
requirement. And forcing your spouse to have
sex is a crime in Australia. As a result
- You do not have to have sex after you
are married
- Whether or not you have sex after you
are married, the only way to end your
marriage is to apply for a divorce
- You can't be forced to have sex with
your spouse
The Consent meetings
out]
The Marriage Act now (since June 2024)
requires that your celebrant meets separately
with each of you to confirm that your consent
to your marriage is freely and willingly
given. That meeting will usually be held close
to your wedding. But here's the thing. Consent
is in the moment. So confirming that you want
to marry at this meeting, does not lock you
into that decision. You can change your mind
right up to the point of making your vows.
Because no-one can force you to marry.
Thanks for reading!