The Heart Moves On - Using
Ceremony to Mark the End of a Relationship
Note: I wrote this article back in
2005. It was published on Ezine, where it has
consistently been one of my three top performing
articles. It is reproduced here with some minor
edits.
Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is a particularly difficult experience because it makes you deal with two different sets of issues.
- Issues of endings, separation, and letting go (disappointment, anger, sadness, fear and trying to achieve closure)
- Issues of acceptance, forgiveness, becoming open to new beginnings and new possibilities.
A Divorce or End of Relationship Ceremony can give a boost to that process.
The Difference between a
Divorce Ceremony and an End of Relationship Ceremony
out
The difference between a divorce ceremony and an
end-of-relationship ceremonies is largely timing. In
Australia, which has no-fault divorce dependent only on
a period of separation, the relationship has formally
ended quite some time before the divorce becomes final.
Either ceremony is an appropriate way to mark the end of
your relationship with ritual and ceremony.Whichever you choose, if the ceremony is properly performed, it will have a deep spiritual content which will increase your sense of belonging. In the context of human behaviour it is the emotions that matter. The process of preparing for the ceremony, and the ceremony itself, supports positive emotions at a time of transition from one state of being to another by having a positive impact on the subconscious. A positive ceremony alleviates anxiety about the capacity to live separate lives, and steers the emotions away from self-recrimination to celebration of growth and learning.
Some couples choose to have a divorce ceremony once the relationship has legally ended with the granting of a divorce. But I find that, given the opportunity, couples may choose to acknowledge the end of the relationship sometime during the initial period of separation, way before the formal proceedings have started. This can be very helpful where there are children of the relationship because in a formal way the parents' continued commitment to those children is made clear, and the children are formally absolved of blame for the breakdown in the marriage. (Many children do blame themselves and this needs to be addressed).
Two types of ceremony
out
There are two types of Divorce/End of Relationship
Ceremony. Where the former partners can be respectful of
each other and can put their differences aside to focus
on the needs of their children, the ceremony may be seen
as a positive step towards separation. Vows may be
retracted (in a positive way, releasing each from the
commitment but not reversing the promise). A
formal statement of support for each other and for the
children is made. This is particularly helpful as
children often believe that they are the cause of the
break-up, and a formal, public ceremony in which the
former partners stress that their split does not mean a
change in their relationship with the children can be
very helpful.The second type of ceremony, where only one partner is involved, is more akin to a funeral. The good parts of the relationship are eulogised and steps are taken to help the 'surviving party' to move on.
Ultimately however, your ceremony outcomes depend on the skill of your celebrant.
Two things to focus on
out
When planning a ceremony to mark the end of a
relationship, I urge you to focus on two things:- healing the wounds of the breakdown of the relationship, and
- moving on
I frankly refuse to conduct ceremonies where the potential client wants every person present to make a negative statement about the ex-spouse. Some celebrants are not quite so fussy, going along with this, though some may refuse to allow children of the marriage to make a negative statement against their mother or father. Nonetheless, the child is there and hears the statements, which will cause distress and is potentially harmful.
When you approach me as the celebrant to conduct your end-of-relationship or divorce ceremony, be aware that my role is not to be a substitute counsellor, but to be a facilitor, using my skills in working with people at a time of heightened emotions.
The process of developing your ceremony will result in a ceremony that enables you to:
- say goodbye to the past relationship
- acknowledge and celebrate what was good in that relationship and the growth each party underwent during and as a result of the relationship
- affirm your values
- express appreciation
- move through the transitional phrase between being half of a couple and being a single person
- acknowledge your new status and the positive aspects of this new status.
