Friend or Professional Celebrant? Everything you need to consider ...
when deciding who will conduct your wedding ceremonyCategories: | Celebrant | Wedding Ceremony | Wedding Legals |
It started
ïn the US with a TV program (Friends,
the one where Joey marries Monica and
Chandler). It continues because, for
many couples, deciding to have a
friend officiate is based on a false
premise or belief that they have to
make their own arrangements if not
getting married in church, a false
premise presented as a fact in a
recent New York Times article which
asserted "Not
all people have a pastor, rabbi, imam or
other religious leader in their life,
especially one they would want to handle
such a big event.
And for many same sex couples,
who are still regularly
turned away by churches, having a friend
officiate is their only choice if they want something more than a
legals-only ceremony officiated by a judge
or similar public official. "The Australian context is very different in that our well-established civil celebrant program provides a wide choice of trained celebrants who are required to work with the couple to give them the ceremony they want, and marrying in a religious ceremony is the exception rather than the norm. Nonetheless there are indications that more Australian couples are exploring the idea of having a friend officiate their marriage ceremony.
Before I go any further, let’s
look at whether you can have a friend marry
you in Australia. And the answer is a simple No,
at least not unless that friend has met the
requirements to be authorised to solemnise
marriages, and has been appointed by the
Attorney General’s Department to do so.
Unless you carefully check the source of your information to make sure the website you are reading is based in Australia, you might be misled by references to being ordained online, or to obtaining a one-off, one-day licence to conduct a legal wedding. That is possible in some (not all) states of the US. It is not possible in Australia, where an aspiring celebrant has to complete a lengthy (and expensive) course, has to meet criteria for being a ‘fit and proper person’, and must apply (paying a considerable application fee) to be appointed. All of which takes, on average, a year or more.
So
what are your options? Unless you carefully check the source of your information to make sure the website you are reading is based in Australia, you might be misled by references to being ordained online, or to obtaining a one-off, one-day licence to conduct a legal wedding. That is possible in some (not all) states of the US. It is not possible in Australia, where an aspiring celebrant has to complete a lengthy (and expensive) course, has to meet criteria for being a ‘fit and proper person’, and must apply (paying a considerable application fee) to be appointed. All of which takes, on average, a year or more.
You can have a legal wedding
by a celebrant or at a Registry
Office/Courthouse and then, at a later date,
have a non-legal ceremony with all the bells
and whistles, conducted by whomever you
choose, as long as it is made quite clear to
everyone present that the
ceremony will not change your legal
status.
Usually, this is when you share that you are already
legally married if everyone doesn't already know that.
OR, you can have what celebrants call a tandem wedding – where your friend creates and performs the ceremony but an authorised celebrant fulfils all the pre and post ceremony legal requirements and, on the day, identifies themself to your guests as the authorised celebrant, makes the statement required by the Marriage Act, ensures that your vows meet the legal requirements. The authorised celebrant is required by the Attorney General to and to step in and take over if your friend says or does anything that may compromise the legality of your marriage, or fails to do something that is required.
OR, you can have what celebrants call a tandem wedding – where your friend creates and performs the ceremony but an authorised celebrant fulfils all the pre and post ceremony legal requirements and, on the day, identifies themself to your guests as the authorised celebrant, makes the statement required by the Marriage Act, ensures that your vows meet the legal requirements. The authorised celebrant is required by the Attorney General to and to step in and take over if your friend says or does anything that may compromise the legality of your marriage, or fails to do something that is required.
Short answer – while other people can be involved in your ceremony to a greater or lesser extent, to be legally married you must have an authorised celebrant conduct all or part of the ceremony.
What do you need to consider if you are thinking about having a friend conduct your ceremony?
[Disclosure, as a
professional celebrant of course I’m going
to suggest that using a professional
celebrant has significant benefits. But I am
also going to be fair-handed and do my best
to give you a detailed blueprint of
everything that you and your friend need to
take into consideration if you choose to go
down that path. And then I’m going to give
you suggestions about how you can have the
best of both worlds!]
First, let’s look at some of
the reasons couples give for wanting to have a
friend rather than a professional celebrant
conduct the ceremony.
1. "It
saves money"When you consider that the services of a professional celebrant is one of the least expensive parts of your wedding, any savings will be minute. But, in Australia, because your friend cannot substitute for the professional celebrant, you probably won’t save anything at all.
If you are going for the tandem ceremony it is unlikely you will get a discount from the professional celebrant because the professional celebrant is legally responsible, something that the Attorney General has stressed over and over again. What this means is that celebrant’s registration on the line, along with the celebrant’s insurance,. if anything goes awry, even it the friend who caused the problem. If the professional, authorised, celebrant does their job properly, they will put as many, or possibly even more, hours into the ceremony than they would otherwise because they will not only meet with you and take care of the legal side of things, they will spend time ensuring that your friend understands the legal requirements of the ceremony itself, and will work with your friend to ensure that the ceremony meets those. In fact, you will probably end up spending more as not only will you have to pay the authorised celebrant, you will want to give your friend a decent sort of thank-you gift, won’t you?
If you decide to have two ceremonies, you’ll need to fork out for things that a professional celebrant would provide as part of their services – like a PA system. Either you’d have to hire one (can be pricey) or have a DJ for the ceremony (also not cheap) unless you’re holding the ceremony at a venue that provides a ceremony space plus a PA (also pricey).
Having a friend or loved one perform your ceremony may make it feel more personal and intimate, but it can also feel a bit awkward, particularly if nerves and feeling not quite up to the job drives your friend to make the ceremony at least partly about them rather than solely about you. You also need to be absolutely confident that your friend or loved one won't mention things that they know about you that you'd rather not have mentioned or shared! There's a huge difference between personal and too personal. And there is also the question of writing. Having your friend deliver a ceremony that they cobbled together from bits on the internet, or one they just copied whole and changed the names in, is hardly personal. It would also be a breach of copyright, which can have serious consequences.3. "We will be able to control the content of the ceremony"
Being able to have input into the ceremony is definitely an issue where a pre-written ceremony is used, something that is way more common in the US than in Australia. In Australia all civil celebrants are required by the Code of Practice to give you the ceremony you want, within legal constraints, of course.
Do you have a process in place to enable you to provide your friend with a blueprint of what (and who) you want included in your ceremony, what tone and feel you want for the ceremony, and what you absolutely do not want? Will you feel comfortable with critiquing what your friend comes up with and asking for changes?
When choosing who is going to
officiate your ceremony, you need to apply the
same selection criteria you would when looking
for a professional celebrant:
The
following would also help a lot in ensuring you
have a ceremony that reflects who you are:- Comfortable and highly skilled at speaking in public and in reading from a script in a ceremonial but conversational way.
- Comfortable and highly skilled (and tactful) at directing others.
- Skilled
at laying out how and where the wedding
party will stand and at managing both
processional and recessional (formal
walking in and walking out).
- Flexible and accommodating about what you want included in the ceremony, and how you want your ceremony to feel.
- Capable
of writing an original script for the
ceremony and willing to put in the time
and effort to do so.
- Ultra responsible and ultra reliable.
- Someone you feel comfortable with, a good fit.
- Someone you can trust to keep private matters confidential.
- Can your friend work within constraints of time and the physical space available for the ceremony?
- Does your friend understand that there are legal requirements that must be complied with?
- Is your friend confident when using a microphone and PA system, and capable of doing sound checks and making any needed adjustments?
- Is
your friend capable of both working the
crowd and controlling the crowd?
- Having a friend as your celebrant is essentially a DIY project. It will mean a lot of extra work for you, because you won’t have anyone who can explore all your options with you. You will have to research all aspects of a wedding ceremony, and take care of things that a professional celebrant would have done as a matter of course.
- Whose friend? Generally speaking, though friends of one or other of the couple often become a friend to both, there will be one of you who is closer to the friend than the other. Will that affect the ceremony? Will there be a bias towards on one or other of you that might affect the balance or tone of the ceremony? How will you work round this?
- Whoever
you choose, someone else’s nose is going
to be put out of joint. I remember vividly
a surprise wedding where the couple were
not having a bridal party. When the
question arose as to who would be their
legal witnesses the groom told me that he
had six brothers, so choosing a witness
would be a political nightmare. That’s
when I stepped in and suggested we do
lucky door tickets as people arrived and
draw witnesses out of the hat. Problem
solved. You can’t pull the name of the
person who is going to officiate your
ceremony out of the hat at the last
minute.
- There is way more to leading a ceremony than being a great public speaker. The person who acts as your celebrant needs to be good at thinking on their feet if something untoward happens. The ceremony has to be stage managed, and the celebrant needs to manage the guests as well, including intervening if someone gets belligerent, or children run riot.
- Not being an experienced celebrant, your friend might not understand that there are a thousand little details that add up to a great ceremony. Are you willing to overlook some or all of these? And how will your friend feel about being responsible for things they may not be aware of? For example, it is very common for a novice celebrant to forget to tell the guests to sit back down after the bridal party has entered, leaving them standing for all or part of the ceremony.
- Your friend will need to write the ceremony. As well as a being good speaker, are they a good writer? Do they understand that writing a ceremony that will be spoken is a bit different from writing a letter or an essay? Will they write the ceremony from scratch or will they be relying on mining the internet for a ceremony, or for the various components of the ceremony? If you want a non-traditional ceremony you need to be aware that almost every wedding ceremony you’ll find on the internet leans heavily towards the traditional, except for those few that are ultra flippant or just downright weird. They also tend to be very short, little more than a sermon and the vows!
- How
will you feel about your friend giving you
a "lecture" about how to run your marriage
as part of the ceremony?
- Does your friend have the time and the willingness to practice, practice, practice? They will be conducting a ceremony for the first time, without the benefit of experience and training.
- What will your friend wear?
- The wedding party (including you, the marrying couple) will expect leadership and direction from your friend on the day – including how to walk in, where to stand, when and how to move, etc etc.
- What will your friend read the ceremony from?
- The person who conducts your ceremony needs to work as part of a team – photographer, videographer, musicians, DJ, venue coordinators, wedding stylists. Does your friend understand what each of those service suppliers needs to be able to deliver their best?
- What is your backup plan if your friend is unable to perform the ceremony on the day?
This is actually quite simple. Hire a professional celebrant, but choose one (like me) who is:
- comfortable with not being the centre of attention or focus of the ceremony.
- up with the trends, but not a trend-junkie
- knowledgeable about the legal requirements for your ceremony
- willing to use that legal knowledge to loosen their control and encourage you or your friend to take a leadership role in your own ceremony.
- say the required passage from the Marriage Act
- be in close proximity to the couple when they say their legal vows.
And that’s just a start. Feel free to talk to me about it.
Related information
- Could a Tandem Wedding be Your Thing? Everything you need to consider when deciding who will conduct your wedding ceremony
- Fees and inclusions for Tandem and Celebrant Cameo marriage ceremonies
