The thing I hate most about traditional weddings

It happens in Royal weddings, some formal church weddings, and every wedding on #MAFS, and I hate it!

The sight of a bridegroom standing at the altar with his back to the guests while waiting for his bride to join him is a throwback to a time when he likely had never met the bride, or even seen her before gets me in the feels (negatively).

Historically, it was all about two things one of which has no relevance in a secular, humanist, or celebrant wedding (religious practice), and the other (making sure he didn't catch a glimpse of her was insurance against him legging it) no relevance to any legal marriage ceremony!

It's tradition - but whose?

The customs surrounding weddings (as opposed to the legal act of getting married which can happen as part of a wedding ceremony, or separate to it), are as varied and rich as the cultures from which they originate.

What we think of as the "traditional" wedding is the way weddings have evolved in Western, Christian, traditional. What I find fascinating is that older ways of "doing a wedding" co-exist with more modern practices, and yet "traditional" is applied across the board, often without differentiation!

One such tradition is the practice of the groom standing with his back to the bride as she makes her entrance, only turning to look at her when she is standing next to him, or, in a slightly more modern twist, when he is given permission by the clergyperson (or celebrant in the #MAFS ceremonies) to turn to look at her.

If you ask "Why?" - and most people don't, you'll likely to be told something like It's a moment filled with anticipation, not just for the groom but for everyone present . Which conveniently ignores the fact that

1. In western culture turning your back on anyone is regarded to be rude
2. It robs the bride of the nerve-settling view of the groom's face as she walks towards him
   
3. It robs the groom of the sight of his bride in all her finery, plus the intimate moment when they lock eyes
   
4. It robs the guests of the experience of feeling part of the moment, rather than being on the outside looking in.
   

In church, the couple either continue to standing with their backs to the guests during the ceremony, or turn to face one another. 1 and 4 above if they stand with their backs to the guests.

The religious tradition

Traditionally, especially within many Christian denominations, the groom stands at the altar with his back to the assembled guests, awaiting his bride.  While some may claim that, historically, this posture was symbolic, representing the groom's role as the intermediary between the community (the guests) and the divine (the ceremony at the altar), there is no written evidence of this.

Rather, the explanation is simpler. Everyone faced the altar, a practice rooted deeply in the idea of reverence. With the exception of the priest, who faced the congregation as an anointed representative of the church

The darker history

In days gone by marriage wasn't about love. It was about strategic alliances in which the couple may have had no say at all. So everything was done to keep the couple apart. And that included the groom not seeing the bride until she was right next to him (with her father at her side), making it difficult for the groom to leg it by nipping out of the side door of the church, something he could do if the bride was only part way down the aisle.

For the bride, there was no choice. The minute she stepped foot inside the church she was deemed to have consented to the marriage, and to everything that came after the wedding, for the rest of her life. The groom, on the other hand, still needed to say the right words as part of the ceremony.

The tradition of not seeing one another the night before the wedding is a holdover superstition from those times.

Can we blame the silver screen?

The cinematic portrayal of both fictional and reality show weddings, with the groom's back turned until the grand reveal, is used as a powerful storytelling tool to create a visual crescendo that ignores its religious origins in order to symbolise the transformative essence of marriage. But it begs the question: does this portrayal, used regardless of whether the wedding is held in a garden or a church, regardless of whether the officiant is a clergyperson, a professional celebrant, a judge, a celebrity, or dear old Uncle Bob, still resonate in a society that values inclusivity and equality?

Facing the Guests: A Modern Twist

In contrast, in a modern civil ceremony, the groom faces the guests and watches the bride walk down the aisle towards him. This shift reflects a broader cultural move towards more personal, intimate weddings where the emphasis is on the couple's connection and shared experience with their guests. Facing the guests allows for a more inclusive atmosphere, making the guests feel more like active participants than mere observers.

When couples face one another, the celebrant is likely to step into the position of the priest who was the focus of the ceremony as intermediary between the congregation and the divine, something not relevant in a secular ceremony. Facing one another, however, is promoted as emphasising the personal commitment the couple is making, highlighting the emotional and personal aspects of the ceremony over the traditional or the religious.

I argue, however, that standing side by side, holding hands, shoulder to shoulder, is an intensely intimate position for the couple that also embraces the guests. With the celebrant standing to one side, we are all drawn into a circle of love, of community. When the couple then turns to face one another for their vows, this powerful sense of community is not lost. The circle isn't broken. We embrace them as they commit their lives to one another.

Pros and Cons

Each of these positions carries its own set of advantages and disadvantages.

While the groom standing with his back to the guests and to his bride as she walks down the aisle might work in a church, it can feel odd in a garden or other venue. It is also highly gendered and therefore a heteronormative choice. If you are a same sex couple you'll want to rethink the whole notion.

The traditional stance, with the couple's back to the guests, does lend a certain gravitas to the ceremony, emphasising the solemnity and the traditional aspect of marriage. Or so those in favour, claim. However, it can also seem somewhat exclusive, leaving guests feeling more like observers than participants in the special moment.

Choosing an alternative for walking down the aisle - perhaps two separate processions, one each, or walking in together, is an inclusive choice.

Facing the guests or each other is a gender-neutral option that makes for a more inclusive and personal experience, potentially fostering a stronger connection between the couple and their guests.

These positions, particularly where the couple faces the guests except during their vows, makes the ceremony feel less formal.

It's about choice

How you choose to position yourselves during your wedding ceremony reflects your personal beliefs, values, and the tone you wish to set for their ceremony. Whether rooted in tradition or looking towards a more inclusive modern practice, consider the options, discuss where your celebrant will stand, and don't be afraid to look at your guests and at one another!