| Wedding Ceremony | Wedding Legals |
Wedding Planning

There are many
reasons why you might want to skip the hassles that
come with wedding planning when everyone knows when
and where you are getting married, but also want to
say
I Do surrounded by friends and loved ones.
Regardless of the size of the wedding (anything from
elopement, to microwedding, to a very big guest list),
more and more couples whose marriages I officiate are
choosing to have a
surprise wedding. And
that's perfectly legal, as long both of the marrying
couple are in on the surprise!
To keep the fact that they are getting married a
secret, couples are inviting guests to join them for a
different sort of event. The excuse of amilestone
birthday, an engagement party, a New Year's Eve party,
their child's naming ceremony, or just a family
get-together have all been a feature of surprise
weddings. I've created and conducted.
I've also done several where the couple just invited
two friends around for drinks and to see their
renovations, together with a couple of legals only
weddings where they had their mothers as witnesses,
but just invited them to go out to lunch and then took
a detour beforehand. And in one memorable wedding I
officiated, the couple told everyone they were getting
married privately at the Registry Office earlier in
the day and invited everyone to join them for a late
afternoon celebration. We were all gathered at the
Harry Oakman Pavilion when they arrived, all dressed
up, announced to everyone that they were getting
married then and there, tapped the bride's
grandparents on the shoulder as witnesses, and pointed
everyone in the direction of the United Services Club
across the road for a full-blown wedding reception
after the ceremony.
The Legal Facts
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What
is more difficult, however, than surprising guests, is
when I'm approached by one or other of the couple,
wanting to surprise the other. I have to say no. The
Marriage Act is very clear. Surprise weddings are
illegal if either of the marrying couple is being
surprised. Or if both of them are. Such situations
raise the spectre of forced marriage at worst, and the
issue of real consent at best. And celebrants are
expressly forbidden to solemnise the marriage under
those circumstances.
For your marriage to be legal
both of you must
give
real consent at every step of the
way. What that means is that neither of you must
be put in a position where you feel under pressure to
agree because it would be difficult for you to say
not
now,
not yet, or
not at all at
any point.
On occasion, celebrants are asked to go along with one
of the party's plan to surprise the other over the
actual wedding date where both parties have signed the
Notice of Intended Marriage and the full notice period
of a calendar month, has been given. The answer must
still be no. Completing, signing, and lodging the
Notice of
Intended Marriage is just that, you are both
giving notice of your intention to marry one another.
It is not a binding contract.
This is what the Attorney-General's Department said in
cautioning celebrants:
The legal issues that such ceremonies
raise are the following:
-
There has been undue pressure on the
'surprised' person to agree to the
arrangement. Even if there is evidence that
the person would previously have agreed to a
marriage proposal, their consent must not be
assumed. No person can be put under pressure
to enter into a marriage and the pressures
imposed by a 'surprise' wedding could place
in doubt the validity of the marriage under
section 23B of the Act - that is that the
person's consent to the marriage was not a
real consent because it was obtained by
duress or fraud
Keeping it secret
out
Who
has to be in on the secret?
The two of you, and your celebrant
. That's
it. The two of you need to agree to marry one another,
and also agree on the date of the wedding.
And what about the scenario that one of you wishes to
bring the wedding forward as a surprise to the other,
and spring it on them? Not legal. For two reasons
- There is an assumption of consent. Consent is in
the moment. It is not set and forget.
Either of you can change your mind at any time,
right up to the point in the ceremony where the
legal vows are said.
- There is the possibility of duress. Consent must
be free and willing. Which means that there can be
no pressure, or perception of pressure. Having a
"surprise, we're getting married right now" sprung
on you with guests present is pressure to say yes.
Which can invalidate the marriage.
For legal reasons, your celebrant has to have your
Notice at least a month before your planned wedding
day. For good practical reasons, your celebrant also
needs to be in possession of all the details about the
when and where of the ceremony.
- You both have to complete the Notice
of Intended Marriage and lodge it with your
celebrant at least a month before you can legally
be married.
- You both have to know (and have agreed to) the
date on which you will marry.
- And obviously you both have to be able to be at
the venue, along with your celebrant and two
witnesses, in order to have the actual ceremony.
Proxy marriages, or marriages via Skype or
Facetime, are not possible in Australia. You all
have to be in the same space.
For other good practical reasons anyone else providing
a wedding related service needs also to be in on the
secret - photographer, videographer, caterer, venue,
hair and makeup services etc etc Naturally, all
of these service providers need to be sworn to secrecy
if you are planning to surprise the guests. You can
write it into your contract with each of your
providers to make sure they don't let the cat out of
the bag either inadvertently, or in pre-ceremony
social media posts.
Who can be kept in the dark?
Anyone who isn't one of you or your celebrant. Which
means there are plenty of legal ways to have a
surprise wedding, or a wedding with surprises.
Is there anything on of you
can surprise the other with?
out
Actually, yes. Quite a lot in fact. Secrets and
surprises can be a lot of fun. And, with permission, I
usually include at least one surprise in every wedding
ceremony.
As long as the legal boxes are ticked, which includes
giving the required amount of notice, virtually
anything else can be organised by one of the marrying
couple as a surprise for the other. Or by someone else
for the couple. One word of caution, though, the
content of the ceremony should be something that you
both work on with your celebrant. I work with you to
develop the ceremony (from scratch, no pre-written
mix-and-match ceremonies), so that, well ahead of your
big day, you are both really familiar with what I am
going to say, the role of anyone else, and all the
stage directions.
Here are some of the ways one of you can legally
surprise the other
- Where the ceremony is held
If you've ever watched reruns of Don't Tell
the Bride, a TV reality series
where the groom has to organise every aspect of
the wedding, including the venue, wedding
dress, and hen and stag parties, surprising the
bride, you will see that, as long as the
bride is aware she's getting married, and what
date, the venue can be a surprise.
- Processional (Entrance) music
Some years ago I married a couple who had
"clicked" on first meeting because they discovered
that they had both been addicted to the 80s
animated series The Mysterious Cities of Gold.
The bride's brother was a bit of an expert and was
handling the music for their ceremony at Old
Government House, so between the two of them they
organised a surprise for the groom. He was
expecting the doors to open and the Louis
Armstrong version of La Vie En Rose to
start playing. Instead, with the doors firmly
closed and the bride nowhere in sight, he heard
the familiar narrative
It is the 16th century. From all over
Europe, great ships sail west to conquer the
New World, the Americas. The men, eager to
seek their fortune, to find new adventures in
new lands. They long to cross uncharted seas
and discover unknown countries, to find secret
gold on a mountain trail high in the Andes.
They dream of following the path of the
setting sun that leads to El Dorado and the
Mysterious Cities of Gold.
The surprise and delight on his face was fantastic.
- Where the reception is held
- Theme and styling of the ceremony space
and/or the reception
- Special guests, or messages from special
people
There is nothing lovelier than one, or both,
of the marrying couple being surprised by the
attendance of a special person they thought would
not be able to make it. Or being able to
include in the ceremony a personal message from a
special person who was not able to make it. In
fact, where one of you has family or friends who
can't make it to the wedding, I often suggest to
the other that we contact that person and ask for
a message to be sent directly to me so I can
include it in the ceremony as a surprise.
- Services such as a professional videographer
or photographer that had been deemed not
affordable
- Transportation
- Honeymoon destination
In short, virtually anything that is not part of
the legal requirements.
What about the witnesses?
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As long as the witnesses have agreed to be your
witnesses before the ceremony starts, and are present
for the whole ceremony, it is perfectly legal to
surprise them, whether or not the whole wedding is a
surprise to the guests. Some couples word up very
special friends a while before their surprise wedding.
You need to be absolutely confident they can keep the
secret. With others, I have had the pleasure of
announcing that their mothers will be the witnesses.
Mums never say no. And there is always the option of a
witness lottery,
pulling the names out of a hat, or, as I experienced
one hilarious New Year's Eve surprise wedding, out of
the bride's father's sporran.
What your celebrant needs to
know
out
Your
celebrant has to know when and where the ceremony is
being held, and that there is no legal impediment to
the marriage (which includes the issue of real
consent). Your celebrant also has to be able to
print and bring the certificates including the details
of the venue where the ceremony is to be held. I
did, once, have a groom who was adamant that the
ceremony would be held at a secret hideaway. All he
was willing to tell me was that I would need to drive
to a certain place on the highway. Park. And wait to
be picked up in a 4WD by persons unnamed and driven by
them across several creeks to a cabin in the bush.
Naturally, I refused. On two grounds.
- I was concerned about legality, and being in a
place where I couldn't easily leave should there
be some other legal impediment to the marriage
- Personal safety was potentially an issue
So I withdrew my services.
My top tips about surprising
your guests
out
- Come up with a good story. Engagement parties
(particularly if the couple has been together for
some time) are now such an obvious ploy that I'm
seeing guests turn up with a gift and two cards -
one if it is only an engagement, and one in case
it turns out to be a wedding
- Be prepared for some people not to come based
purely on the fact that they don't know it is a
wedding
- Decide ahead of time how you are going to spring
the surprise - when they come in the door, or
later just before you intend to start the
ceremony. This decision would influence whether
you decide to greet guests in your wedding attire,
or disappear at some time later to change into it.
- Allow for your celebrant to arrive later than
the guests. Having a complete stranger present
often arouses suspicions, even if they do have a
good cover story.
- Tell your mothers a day or so before, so that
they can turn up nicely dressed with their hair
done. And your fathers so they can shave, and
dress nicely too. They will never forgive you if
they look like dags in your wedding photos.
- Be prepared for some raucous reactions and
"participation" in the ceremony. A surprise
wedding can never have the gravitas and formality
of a conventional wedding, but that's one of the
very good reasons for choosing to have one.
Related information
out
Thanks for reading!